Rants, Raves, & Random Thoughts

Shameless self-promotion of my writing skills or lack there of.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Friday 55

Alright folks, the object of the game is to write a story using exactly 55 words. Want to play along? Let me know if you do so that I can come read your entries.

Candles flicker on an unseen wind. Light as a feather she circles; toes barely touch the floor. A book lays ignored, spread open on an altar. Athame held high, she summons the watchtowers. Thoughts pure, her desire focused. Power flows up her legs, through her body. She releases with a shudder. The spell is cast.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Dar-Wednesday

It’s time for another installment of The Darwin Awards.

(23 August 1997, Holland) A group of employees were happy to escape work and be bussed around on a day tour by their company. It was a sunny day, and some of the more boisterous employees enjoyed sticking their heads out a rooftop window.
I can picture them like puppies enjoying the wind in their ears.
The driver of the speeding bus told them several times to pay attention to the road and stop their foolishness.
And then it happened.

Two men had their heads out of the window, singing as the wind blew across their faces, when the bus entered a viaduct. The cracking of bone was heard throughout the bus. Their heads did not come off cleanly, as you might expect, but the men fell dead into the bus with cracked heads and broken necks.
The chauffeur, asked whether safety regulations were properly observed, replied, "I always lock the damn thing when kids are in the bus, because kids just don't listen. But for God's sake, these were adults.''



Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Birthday Wishes

Today is not just another day. Oh, no my friends today is special. On this day, XX amount of years ago, my wife was born.

She is a remarkable woman (she would almost have to be to put up with me as long as she has), intelligent (she is an acclaimed scientist don’t cha no), beautiful (I’ve posted pics before, so you know what I’m talking about), passionate (not just the obvious reasons, but her passion for life is often astounding), a little crazy(did I mention she has put up with me for many years) and a whole lot of lovable. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t thank the powers that be for letting her parents bring her into this world.

Happy birthday, my love.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Friday 55

I’m not posting one of my own this week. This is another offering from Linda Goodman (my mom).

The darkness closes in. My breath becomes shallow. My heart begins to slow. Standing in the shadows, I quietly wait for my next feed. I feel him drawing nearer, oblivious to my presence as i swoop over him and draw in his blood...alas the night becomes still again and I continue on my plight.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Book Meme

Carrie tagged me with this meme.
1. A book that changed your life. The Prince by Machiavelli. After reading this book, I never looked at the government or my fellow man the same. Trust no one. Show me a smile, give me a kind word and I’ll wonder where you’re hiding the knife. Okay, I grew out of most of that mistrust, but for a ten year old, that book was really scary.

2. A book you’ve read more than once. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams. This is a strange choice for me because it is so far out of my genre, but there is something about it that just keeps bringing me back.

3. A book you’d want on a desert island. SH 21-76 United States Army Ranger Handbook. I can’t think of a better book to pass that kind of time with.

4. A book that made you giddy. Heroes in Hell by Janet Morris and Gregory Benford. This book was just good clean fun.

5. A book you wish had been written. The human brain unveiled: Find the secrets that scientists discovered when they finally mapped out Mother Nature’s most powerful computer.

6. A book that wracked you with sobs. The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova. I cried when I realized how many pages of purple prose I would have to sift through to get to what otherwise would have been a fairly good story.

7. A book you wish had never been written. How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Some secrets are better left untold. Let only the truly charismatic survive (this is a joke by the way).

8. A book you are currently reading. Skin Tight by Carl Hiaassen. This is a surprisingly good book. It a fairly old book, but I’m just now getting around to reading it.

9. A book you’ve been meaning to read. Pale Immortal by Anne Frasier. I’m going to read it in the near future.

10. Tag. I won’t tag anyone, but if you want to play along, let me know so I can read your answers.

I've never thought of it like this before...

Warning: The following information is purely for entertainment. Do not attempt this at home.


Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.



Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.



Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!



Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!



Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?



Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.



Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!



Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.



Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!




Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Dar-Wednesday

It’s time for another installment of The Darwin Awards. This is a crushing story about a boy and his pet.
(11 October 1996, New York) A teenager was crushed to death by his pet python after he had failed to keep the snake properly fed, police reported. Grant Williams, 19, was found unconscious in a pool of blood, the life practically squeezed out of him by a 12ft Burmese python named Damien, which was still wrapped over his body. The snake had been given nothing more than a single dead chicken in the past week and may have been crazed by hunger.
Mr Williams was found in the hallway. He may have been trying to escape the flat to summon help. Medical orderlies summoned the strength ¬ of body and of mind ¬ to lift the 45lb, 5in-thick python off Mr Williams and hurl it into an adjacent room, but the snake lover died in hospital. At the time of the attack, Mr Williams was preparing to feed Damien a live chicken. It is possible that the python, peckish, opted for the larger prey. When on the brink of a kill, the Burmese python (Molorus bivattatus) can move with deadly speed, and there are few creatures able to escape its grasp.
Mr Williams may have suspected that his familiarity with Damien placed him above danger, but a hungry python does not quibble about such niceties. Captain Thomas Kelly, from the 46th precinct, said: "It looks accidental." Mr Williams and his brother kept a number of snakes, many uncaged, in their Bronx flat. The dead man's mother, Carmelita Williams, said that she had tried to persuade her son to abandon his hobby. "I begged him to get rid of the python," she said, weeping. "I even threatened to call the police."
Damien was last night caged at an animal control centre, after being fed. Its fate is uncertain.




Tuesday, September 19, 2006

I Gotta Get Me One Of These...

You know…given my current condition, I’ve actually considered giving this contraption a whirl.

Leave it to the enterprising Japanese to invent a wheelchair with a built-in handy-dandy toilet that cleans, dries and deodorizes the occupant's rear-end. The Mainichi Daily News reported Saturday that a Nagasaki company, Japan Oasis, spent some six years developing the all-in-one toilet and wheelchair they expect will benefit the disabled and the elderly who can purchase it or rent it for a nominal fee. No one would ever be the wiser as to what was going on in the chair except for the fact that users will be required to don special trousers and underpants, the report said. When nature calls, they would simply evacuate through a hole in the chair. Then a nozzle would spray out water that ostensibly cleans the user before warm air finishes off the area. Shuichi Suehiro, president of the venture firm, is applying for a patent on the device that should be a dream come true for caregivers of the elderly and the incontinent.
United Press International


Monday, September 18, 2006

Weekend Recap

Well, I did very little over the weekend, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. I read…a lot. I read an entire book and two magazines over the weekend. I also managed to watch a couple of movies and a few football games yesterday.

My Patriots squeaked another win out, but I don’t know how long they will be able to maintain any momentum. They took some serious losses in the off season…stupid salary caps. Anyhoo, The Giants vs. the Eagles was an impressive game. The giants overcame a huge lead by the Eagles to win it in overtime. KC and Denver was a decent game, but mostly offense I think the final score was 6-9 (Broncos win). My wife’s favorite team (and to hear some talk, America’s) the Dallas Cowboys overcame a near record number of penalties to beat the Redskins. Those were the only games I watched, but hey…that took up most of a Sunday.

I have a long week ahead of me so posts me be a bit spotty around here. I’ll try to make sure I at least get the Dar-Wednesday and the Friday 55 up, other than that…it’s anybody’s guess how often I will get to post.

How was your weekend?

Friday, September 15, 2006

The Big Day

Today’s the day. I am officially a published writer. I’ve had a couple of short stories accepted and one novella on the way, but this is officially my first piece to see print. I’d like to give a special thanks to Sandra Ruttan and her husband for accepting the story. I would also like to thank MG Tarquini for her wonderful editing abilities.

Please take a moment to read The New Kid in Spinetingler Magazine. You can download a copy for free. That’s right you can expose yourself to some great stories absolutely risk free. You have nothing to lose and you might just find that you have your hands on your new favorite magazine.

Also, for those of you who have been following along with the Friday 55, I’d like to take a moment to point you in the direction of the talented lady who started it all, Susie. Speaking of Friday 55, here is this week’s humble offering:

Fingers widdled to bone. Back hunched from years of loyal servitude. Hope, a fading glimmer in too pale eyes. A rap at the door. An unexpected visitor, a rarity of late. Twenty years washed away with a forced smile and limp handshake. The walk of shame. Ambling slowly as downcast eyes pretend not to notice.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Closer (Fan Video)

This link was sent to my writing group (OSFW) and was just too funny not to share. I must warn you though, the song uses the “F-bomb” a couple of times, so if such language offends you (or if you are reading this at work), don’t watch the video. Other than that, click play and laugh yourself silly.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Dar-Wednesday

It’s time for another installment of The Darwin Awards. Here kitty kitty…
( 2 January 1996, India) A tiger killed one man and mauled another at the Calcutta zoo yesterday when they tried to put a marigold garland around its neck in a New Year's greeting.
Prakesh Tiwari, the dead man, and Suresh Rai had been drinking before they bought the floral garlands and crossed the moat around the tiger's enclosure, authorities said. "I was shocked to see the two young men weaving about in front of a tiger with garlands in their hands, " said Rakesh Banerjee, who witnessed the attack that triggered panic and a near stampede in the zoo.
The men, both in their 20's, were trying to put the garland on a 13-year old male Royal Bengal tiger named "Shiva" after the Hindu god of destruction. When Rai threw the garland around Shiva's neck, the tiger attacked him. His friend Tiwari intervened, kicking the tiger in the face. The tiger released Rai, and attacked and killed Tiwari.
"I saw it all; the tiger turned and jumped on the other young man and put its head on the man's neck, and within moments, the man was apparently dead, his head dangling," Banerjee said.
The two were reportedly devotees of the goddess Durga and had gone to "worship" the tiger. Immediately after the incident, an angry crowd went on a stone-pelting spree in which two children and a woman were injured.


Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Coming Around

Ah, this is the week. That’s right… my horror short story The New Kid will appear in Spinetingler Magazine. I will let you know the moment I have a solid date. Please be sure to check it out. As always feedback is not only welcome, but encouraged.

In other news, I have the pain (and subsequently the pain meds) down to a manageable level. Free from pain, my muse has decided to make a return visit. I’m back to pounding the keys for, Hell A. It’s good to be back behind the keyboard. I was going through withdrawls. A clear mind, bum leg and a story to write…sounds like a winning combination to me.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Woman on a Mission

M. E. Ellis is doing a good thing and she’s asking the good people of the blogland to help her out. She is donating all of the royalties from her book, Quits to the NSPCC (National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children). Please give her your support. Drop by her blog for more details. Oh, did I mention she has a groovy video trailer to support her book?

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Black Thursday

Well, as some of you may already know, my company just initiated a massive layoff, the biggest in our history. It happened late Thursday afternoon. Sadly, there is another round coming, but it looks like I’ll survive that one as well.

We lost some really good folks here. The only positive I can garner from it, is that the slimy backstabbing bastard who was making my life a living hell for awhile was the first to go. Even that is no comfort. After he got smacked down and moved out of my life, the experience humbled him. He actually became quite likeable again, willing to do anything in the world to help you. Life is strange sometimes…

I just hope they see fit to keep me around until my leg heals up. The prospect of going to interviews while on crutches, makes the process that much scarier.

To all of those fine people (not the scumbags and deadweight mind you) who lost their job, you will be missed.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Friday 55

Eyes narrow with murderous intent. His prey evasive, but his grip grows tighter. It must be done, it’s what he does. Knuckles grow white from the strain. He will not give in. Movement, a subtle dance beneath his fingers. A twist, a turn, it pulls free with a pop. The pickle jar is finally open.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Book Review: Deep Blue

Well, I’ve made it to work two days this week (though I’ve yet to work an entire day) and I’m none the worse for wear. Ok, I might be a little more worn than I would’ve been had I stayed on the couch, but at least I can sleep better at night knowing that my work is getting done. Although, last night I had the strangest dream, my company fired me after my almost decade of loyal service. But enough about me, I want to talk about a book I just finished, Deep Blue. Mr. Wilson Rawks, plain and simple.

I don’t know if it was the pain-pills, the semblance of certain parts to personal experiences, or maybe it was even the music I had playing softly in the background as I read, but this book touched me. It pulled me in close and whispered in my ear on such a personal level that I had no choice but to hear its message.

It is a story filled with haunting visions and awful truths. It is the story of salvation and unlikely heroes. It is the story of powerful music and hidden worlds. It is the story of good, evil and the many faces of organized religion. It is the story of and for the masses and the dead that walk among us. It is a story of pain, redemption and sacrifice. But beneath it all, hidden beneath the patterns that bring it all to life, it is the story of Brandt, a burned out musician with the fate of a world full of tortured souls riding on the neck of his guitar.

Rating: 5 Stars

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Dar-Wednesday

It’s time for another installment of The Darwin Awards.
(4 December 1996, Indiana) A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said.
Gregory, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a .54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

Dumb and ass are not mutually exclusive...

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Big Pimping

Anne Frasier has come up with a unique way of generating buzz for her new book, Pale Immortal. Stop by her blog for more information.

Also, you simply must see this video:

Be Careful What You Ask For...

Someone expressed a feeling of being slighted by all of the Friday 55 entries and respectfully requested that I post something with a little more meat to it. This is a chapter from my first book, Darkness on the Plains. I thought it might be put together well enough to stand alone and satisfy the apparent need. I hope you enjoy it.

“How many of you are there?” Niccolo slashed his way through the barrage of tiny attackers.
They came at him in waves. The voices in his head grew louder. He slipped to one knee in the snow. Sensing the opportunity, they attacked with a renewed sense of urgency, forcing him to the ground. Realizing his resolve weakened, they stopped biting and began dragging him to a large oak at the edge of the clearing.

Sleep friend, it will all be over soon. We will bring you to your friend. She waits for you, Niccolo. She knows. She feels your presence here. It is almost over. Just let go. You will see. She needs to see you. Utiselo is waiting. The voices rambled inside of Niccolo’s head.

“Who? Where are you taking me?” Niccolo tried to clear his thoughts. He could no longer think straight. The voices were making him sleepy.
To Utiselo, of course. You will see her soon brother.
“Kanati! Selu! Come to me! I need you!” He screamed both mentally and physically.

He could feel the bark of the old oak on the back of his head as they pressed him against the tree. The creatures began to chant, a peculiar song that seemed to draw Niccolo into its rhythm. Suddenly, he felt the tree give way beneath him. He was falling, falling with increasing speed through roots and dust.

“This isn’t possible,” Niccolo whispered as he tried to grab at the passing limbs. He could hear the laughter of children all around him as he fell farther into the earth. Then the darkness became complete; he had lost consciousness.
#

“Niccolo, wake up. I’m so happy you’re here.”
“Huh? Where am I? I feel like I have been drug behind a horse for miles. Who--? No! It can’t be. Julia? What sorcery is this?” Niccolo tried to grasp the situation as he realized he was looking up into the smiling face of his long dead wife.

“Yes, lover, it’s me. I have missed you so much! Why did it take you so long to find me?” Julia wore a confused look on her face.
“How long have you been here?” Niccolo realized she looked the same as she did on the day she died.

“I don’t know. It feels like an eternity. I woke up here after--after that day. I thought I had died. I felt the pain as my neck snapped, I’m sure of that, but I don’t even have a clue as to what happened afterwards. It all seems like it was only a dream now. I woke up here and you were gone,” Julia recalled, struggling to remember every detail.

“You did die! I buried you. I mourned you; I still mourn you every waking moment of my life.” Niccolo touched her face.
“I am real, Niccolo. You feel the warmth of my skin. I have waited for you for so long. You are freezing Niccolo; your hand feels like ice. I will have the children bring you a blanket.” Julia shivered under his touch.
“The children? You have seen them? Did they harm you?” Niccolo sat up suddenly, wary of another attack.
“Have I seen them? Of course, I have. They bring me food and anything else I need. They are quite loving; I assure you,” Julia responded with a quizzical look.
Loving? They’re the ones that did this!” Niccolo ripped open his shirt to show her his wounds.
“Did what Niccolo?” Julia touched his chest, which was free from any signs of the struggle.

“How did--? How long was I asleep, Julia?”
“I don’t know. They only brought me to you a few moments ago.” Julia looked around the clearing to see if any of them had lingered.
“It really is you, isn’t it?” Niccolo broke into tears as he drew her into his arms. “I have missed you so much. I--I--I love you!”
“I love you too, Niccolo. Everything is going to be all right now. We are together.”
“Yes, we’re together. Do you have shelter here?”
“Of course, it was already here when I woke up. It is down this trail a short ways. I’m so glad you’re here. Utiselo said to just be patient, you would be here when you got here.” Julia rested her head on his chest.

“Utiselo? Who is this Utiselo? The little-- I mean, the children spoke of her before they brought me here.” Niccolo pulled her away from his chest so he could look into her eyes.
“I don’t know her real name. It is what they call her, the children I mean. You will meet her, I’m sure. I must warn you though, she is-- well, she is just different,” Julia cautioned not sure how to explain herself.
“Different? How do you mean does she look peculiar? Does she act peculiar?”
“Perhaps a little of both. She looks almost like I pictured the elves in the stories we heard as children, almost. The ears are the same, but her face changes. Sometimes she looks at me and I see a pretty face, kind and inviting. Other times, her eyes seem like those of a cat.” Julia wanted to elaborate, but couldn’t find the words to express her thoughts.
“And her teeth become pointed and fearsome,” Niccolo remembered the face of the child who started the attack in the glade.
“Yes! How did you know?”
“The children also did this when I met them,” he replied with caution. He didn’t want to evoke another battle if they were listening to the conversation.
“Her speech is also queer. I can usually understand what she wants, but well-- you will just have to hear her talk.”
“Yes, I’m anxious to meet her. I have so many questions.” Niccolo rose to his feet pulling Julia up with him.
“Let’s go back to the house. We have a lot of catching up to do,” Julia suggested as she flashed him her best “come hither” smile.
“Lead the way, my lady.”

As they rounded a corner in the trail, Niccolo spotted the home carved into the side of the rock wall that spread into the distance. It looked like the front of their old house, only made of stone. As they drew closer, he realized the artisan who created the place even took the time to simulate the grains of the wood that bordered the windows and door.

“If I’m truly dreaming all of this, I hope I never wake up.” Niccolo scooped Julia up in his arms and carried her through the door.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Labor Day

Well, this hasn’t been the most remarkable Labor Day Weekend we’ve ever had, but in an odd way it was still very nice. I quickly discovered (much to my dismay) that the pain pills I’m on make working on my various writing projects next to impossible. It’s like my creativity switch has been turned off. Not to worry, I’m going to try to take myself off the pain meds completely today and see how that goes.

Even if I could turn to my writing to occupy my mind in this time of limited mobility, it wouldn’t make for a very fun weekend for the family. So, we’ve engaged ourselves in the single longest movie marathon this household has ever seen. We cranked the air-conditioning down to a lovely 65 degrees F grabbed an arm full of blankets and everyone cuddled up on our sectional. We’ve watched several movies this weekend (all favorites from our personal collection), but the most impressive achievement was watching the entire Star Wars Collection back to back. That’s right, all 6 of the 2+ hours movies. It was the first time we’ve ever attempted such an undertaking. As many regular readers of this blog will attest, the Goodman family spends more time out and about than at home watching movies. Up until this weekend, watching four movies over a three day period was a major deal.

In fact the only reason we’re able to read as much as we do is because we take our books with us almost everywhere we go. Got a free minute? Flip open the book.

I would love to stay and chat, but intermission is almost over. We are about to take on all three The Godfather movies. Wish us luck.

I hope everyone has had a lovely and safe holiday weekend.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Just for laughs

How To Shower Like A Woman:



1) Take off clothing and place it in sectioned

laundry hamper according to lights and darks.



2) Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see your husband along the way, cover

up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.



3) Look at your womanly physique in the mirror

and stick out your gut so that you can complain

and whine even more about how you're getting fat.



4) Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm cloth,

leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.



5) Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey

shampoo with 83 added vitamins.



6) Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey

shampoo with 83 added vitamins.



7) Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey

conditioner enhance with natural crocus oil. Leave

on hair for fifteen minutes.



8) Wash your face with crushed apricot facial

scrub for ten minutes until red raw.



9) Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and

Jaffa Cake body wash.



10) Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least

fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it

has all come off).



11) Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving

bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.



12) Scream loudly when your husband flushed the

toilet and you lose the water pressure.



13) Turn off shower.



14) Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray

mold spots with Tilex.



15) Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of

a small African country. Wrap hair in super

absorbent second towel.



16) Check entire body for the remotest sign of a

zit. Attack with nails or tweezers if found.



17) Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown

and towel on head.



18) If you see your husband along the way, cover

up any exposed areas and then rush to

bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting

dressed.





How To Shower Like A Man:



1) Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of

the bed and leave them in a pile.



2) Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your

wife along the way, shake wiener at her making

the "woo woo" sound.



3) Look at your manly physique in the mirror and

suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no).

Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror,

scratch your "privates".



4) Get in the shower.



5) Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you

don't use one).



6) Wash your face.



7) Wash your armpits.



8) Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.



9) Wash your privates and surrounding area.



10) Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.



11) Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).



12) Make a shampoo Mohawk.



13) Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself

in the mirror.



14) Pee.



15) Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to

notice water on the floor because you left the

curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.



16) Partially dry off.



17) Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles.

Admire wiener size again.



18) Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on

the floor.



19) Leave bathroom fan and light on.



20) Return to the bedroom with towel around your

waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel,

grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust

your pelvis at her.



21) Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to

get dressed.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Friday 55

The surgery went well. In recovery, I had my standard reaction. Wait let me back up, it seems that anesthesia brings out my dark side. I have a nasty habit of coming up swinging, snarling and just generally making an ass out of myself. They said (and I’ll have to take their word for it as I don’t exactly remember that part) that they had to have a couple of people me in the bed until I calmed down. My wife must have been so proud…

Anyhoo, this is going to be very short as my leg hurts…a lot. I just wanted to let everyone know that I made it through the surgery just fine.

I have a special guest for our Friday 55. Since, my creative mind is more than a little hindered at the moment by painkillers, my mom (the almost famous Linda Goodman) wrote this weeks entry.

Enjoy…

Thrown in the sea, bound and gagged. I slowly open my swollen eyes to see, but there is no one to help me. The darkness is all around. Soon the creatures will devour me. No one will miss me or even know I’m gone. Tomorrow the sun will come up and day will go on.

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