Rants, Raves, & Random Thoughts

Shameless self-promotion of my writing skills or lack there of.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Sweet and Spicy

Clean humor is normally too corny to see air time on my blog, but I couldn’t help but pass this one along.

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates,
met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest
approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you though, that the place
isfilling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination
for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can
get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the
test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three
questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next
day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have
had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one-which two days in the week
begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be
Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is
not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not
specify, so I will give you credit for that answer so how about the
next one" asked St. Peter?

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied
Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer
can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in
Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd,
February 2nd, March 2nd.... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with
this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in
mind.....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.

Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me
God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my
first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the
name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I
learnt it from the song",

"ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. "

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates…


And just so you don’t think I’ve gone all soft in my old age, here is a little spicier gem to entertain you this morning:

(1) Britain's Channel 4 public television announced in July that it would soon schedule a week of documentaries on masturbation, including one by self-designated "orgasm coach" (Where do I get a job like that?) Betty Dodson, "Masturbation for Girls," teaching hands-on techniques to three women. (2) The pendulum swung the other way in October, however, when Britain's Tesco stores agreed that a kit for learning pole dancing (advertised on its Web site), to "(u)nleash the sex kitten inside," with a garter and suggestive DVD, was perhaps unsuited for its "toy" section, where it might have been appealing to adolescent girls. (Tesco moved the listing to its physical fitness section.) [Daily Mail, 9-21-06; The Times (London), 11-15-06] [Daily Mail, 10-23-06]

Have a great day!!!

22 Comments:

At 5:03 AM, Blogger lime said...

LOL @ gump

and BWAHAHAHAHAHA @ Brit TV. if i were to employ an 'orgasm coach' it sure wouldn't be an old lady....i'd employ some studly guy, tyvm... my oldest daughter told me i needed a stripper pole because of how i dance around the kitchen. i wonder if tesco ships internationally...

 
At 5:16 AM, Blogger James Goodman said...

LOL, I bet the do ship internationally. :D The addition of a pole would make for interesting parties at the house of lime . :D

 
At 2:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

They sure don't program TV like that here. I just want to know what the ratings were. I'll bet it was watched by more teen guys than teen girls.

 
At 2:40 PM, Blogger James Goodman said...

I don't believe they have a rating system as such. It's usually just Americans who glorify sexuality, while making the naked body seem somehow dirty. :D

 
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lol, she must be making the rounds. :D

 
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