Rants, Raves, & Random Thoughts

Shameless self-promotion of my writing skills or lack there of.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Fun With Fiction

I see him, gliding from shop to shop, Barnes & Noble, B-Dalton, Camelot Music. He’s pathetic and weak, with his superficial smile and hollow words. Who does he think he is? If he would stop being so full of himself for a moment and cast a glance behind him, he might catch the clerks rolling their eyes as he walks away. He’s a blemish, a flaw, a stain on society. He’s everything that’s wrong with this world. He’s-- He’s-- He’s stopping at the food court? Holding that smile so long must have caused him to work up quite the appetite.

The Golden Wok, huh? Good Moo Shoo there. I bet he’s one of those pompous bastards that-- yep, there he goes, he’s nabbed a pair of chopsticks. Look at him. What a scumbag, he’s trying to talk the lady at the register out of charging him the dime for them. What an ass. She caved, probably just to get him out of her sight. Honestly, who eats with chopsticks in the food court? Someone who thinks there better than the rest of us, that’s who.

What a pig! Look at him shoveling it in. He’s hovering over the carton like a momma bird protecting her young. Of course, he can use chopsticks; he’s holding the box right next to his mouth. I’d like to take one of those chopsticks and shove it-- What is he looking at?

Oh, shit! Why is he staring at me? Look away. Be calm. Let’s order something. Get the Moo Shoo. He’ll think you were just interested in his food. Now, this lady’s smile at me is genuine. She gave me two sets of chopsticks for free. I didn’t even have to ask. I reached for them and she turned away. What a nice lady.

Now, where do I sit? Not too close, if he’s smart he’s watching to see what I do right now. Not too far though, I wouldn’t want him to slink away. I have a public service to perform here. I need to observe him. See what makes him tick. See the effect he has on those around him. I have to learn so that I might teach.

I guess lunch is over, he’s on the move. What the hell does he think he’s doing? He just cleaned his own table. He’s so vile. Doesn’t he know that if everyone starts doing that, there be no jobs for minimum wage workers? How are these kids supposed to put themselves through college if people like him eliminate their jobs?

Oh, I guess he’s had his fill of shopping, he’s making a beeline for the door. I wish this parking lot was smaller. What if he sees me again? I made it to my car first. What does a guy like that drive? Figures, he’s in a gas guzzling SUV, a Trailblazer; a God Damned, overpriced, gas sucking, pollution riddled, global killer.

He drives like my Grandma, letting people pass him left and right. What a moron. He sickens me.

Where the hell is this guy going? We’ve been driving forever. Shit, he must live out in the Boonies. Heh, that might not be such a bad thing. Is that--? Hell yeah, it’s a fucking cow. We just passed a pasture with cows and shit.

Finally, he’s pulling into a driveway. Wow, that’s a big house. Two stories. I bet he bought it just to show how much better he is than his neighbors. I’ll pull around the block here and see if I can-- Oh, shit! The garage door is closing, can I make it under without him seeing me? Hell yeah, I’m in. I’ll give him a few minutes to get settled.

His house smells like vanilla. I bet he burns those candles to keep it like that. What’s that sound. Rat-at-tat-tat. It’s coming from around the corner. Maybe if I’m quiet, I can sneak a peek without him noticing. Ah, it’s typing. He’s sitting at the computer. I’ll go slow. He looks like he’s into what he’s writing. There’s no way he’ll here me.

Oh, God. It’s so hard not to bust out laughing. I’m standing right behind him and he doesn’t even know it.

What the hell? He’s writing down everything I’ve thought since I saw him. Where’s those God Damned chopsticks. I’m gonna put an end to this once and--

14 Comments:

At 9:43 AM, Blogger lime said...

LOL!! that was indeed fun ride. i wasn't entirely sure what you were going to do with that. good one.

 
At 10:45 AM, Anonymous linda said...

I have to say I had to think on this one but I gotta it now
good job
love ya
MoM

 
At 10:54 AM, Blogger James Goodman said...

Thanks, Lime. I was feeling creative and actually had a few extra minutes to write, so I thought I would try something a little different.

Thanks, Mom. Glad you figured it out. I was going for subtle, but I didn't want it to be so subtle that no one caught on that no one knew what was going on. :D

 
At 12:10 PM, Blogger Breazy said...

LOL! I like it James , it took me a minute there to catch on but I got it . You have a good day!

 
At 3:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't
quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for
different ways to earn money... I did find this though...
a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
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At 3:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't
quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for
different ways to earn money... I did find this though...
a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

 
At 7:09 PM, Blogger Zinnia said...

LOL, you're driving yourself crazy!

 
At 4:18 AM, Blogger Bernita said...

Um...do you need a break, James?

 
At 5:19 AM, Blogger James Goodman said...

Thanks, Breazy. You too.

Lol, driving? I've already been driven. :D

Bernita, I think I'm way past breaks here, lol. :D

 
At 9:14 AM, Blogger Carrie said...

Woo hoo! That was great

 
At 7:38 PM, Blogger EA Monroe said...

Imagination at work!

 
At 5:26 AM, Blogger James Goodman said...

Thank you, ladies. :D

 
At 5:14 AM, Blogger Leslie said...

This is great! You should write more of these things and publish them in a sort of "Day in the Life of..." memoir. By the way, moo shoo is gross! Forget Chinese--Go for some sushi and eat it like a man! Ha! Ha!

Be ready for an invasion of your home by some crazy Texans in a couple of weeks! :)

 
At 6:14 PM, Blogger Southern Writer said...

You're a really scary guy, James.

btw, I just noticed the new cane. How about a close-up pic of it?

 

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