Rants, Raves, & Random Thoughts

Shameless self-promotion of my writing skills or lack there of.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Just for laughs

How To Shower Like A Woman:

1) Take off clothing and place it in sectioned

laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2) Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see your husband along the way, cover

up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

3) Look at your womanly physique in the mirror

and stick out your gut so that you can complain

and whine even more about how you're getting fat.

4) Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm cloth,

leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5) Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey

shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

6) Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey

shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

7) Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey

conditioner enhance with natural crocus oil. Leave

on hair for fifteen minutes.

8) Wash your face with crushed apricot facial

scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

9) Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and

Jaffa Cake body wash.

10) Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least

fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it

has all come off).

11) Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving

bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

12) Scream loudly when your husband flushed the

toilet and you lose the water pressure.

13) Turn off shower.

14) Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray

mold spots with Tilex.

15) Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of

a small African country. Wrap hair in super

absorbent second towel.

16) Check entire body for the remotest sign of a

zit. Attack with nails or tweezers if found.

17) Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown

and towel on head.

18) If you see your husband along the way, cover

up any exposed areas and then rush to

bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting


How To Shower Like A Man:

1) Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of

the bed and leave them in a pile.

2) Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your

wife along the way, shake wiener at her making

the "woo woo" sound.

3) Look at your manly physique in the mirror and

suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no).

Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror,

scratch your "privates".

4) Get in the shower.

5) Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you

don't use one).

6) Wash your face.

7) Wash your armpits.

8) Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

9) Wash your privates and surrounding area.

10) Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.

11) Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

12) Make a shampoo Mohawk.

13) Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself

in the mirror.

14) Pee.

15) Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to

notice water on the floor because you left the

curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.

16) Partially dry off.

17) Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles.

Admire wiener size again.

18) Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on

the floor.

19) Leave bathroom fan and light on.

20) Return to the bedroom with towel around your

waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel,

grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust

your pelvis at her.

21) Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to

get dressed.


At 2:20 PM, Blogger M.E Ellis said...


Ginger nut and jaffa cake!

Made my day!


At 5:02 PM, Blogger lime said...

LOL, the weiner shaking with sound effects killed me. i swear that is inborn because both my husband and son do that and i remember my brother doing it too.

i dunno, i must be part guy too though because i'm not into robes. peek out the door and make a dash for it is my MO. lol

At 11:35 PM, Blogger Southern Writer said...

Does your mother know you posted this???

At 2:54 AM, Blogger Bernita said...

That hair on the soap bit made me spew.
This is priceless.

At 5:54 AM, Blogger Leslie said...

I'm not quite as elaborate a bather as some women, but you've got the man shower pegged perfectly! Except that both man and woman shower at the same time in this house, as in together, which, of course, mean that nothing gets done in there because it's mostly play time! Ha! Ha!

At 8:10 AM, Blogger James Goodman said...

Glad to hear it, M.E. :D

lol, Lime it is almost certainly a male trait.

lol, Leisa, she does read this blog, so if not...it's only a matter of time.

Bernita, yeah that was one visual they could have left off the list. :D

Those are the best kinds of showers, Leslie. :D

At 11:00 AM, Blogger Ballpoint Wren said...

And I thought Hubby was unique among men! How little I knew!

At 12:48 PM, Blogger James Goodman said...

lol, I'm sure he's still unique in his own way. They're are little showering quirks of mine that didn't make the list, so I know I still feel unique. :D


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