Rants, Raves, & Random Thoughts

Shameless self-promotion of my writing skills or lack there of.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

I've never thought of it like this before...

Warning: The following information is purely for entertainment. Do not attempt this at home.


Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.



Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.



Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!



Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!



Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?



Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.



Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!



Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.



Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!




Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

12 Comments:

At 5:53 AM, Blogger lime said...

guess i shouldn't have taken that brisk walk at dawn then! gees, i'm glad at least i didn't eat my normal breakfast beofre i came here (bran flakes, blueberries, skim milk, and OJ) now i can go have a chocolate bar and wine instead! hey i have some peach schnapps too! that's more fruit!

you've done a great servce to us all and i thank you.

 
At 6:08 AM, Blogger Leslie said...

You are a flippin' genius! I think I'll follow your great advise! NOT!!! Hee hee!

I do like the "round is a shape" thing, becuase I'm getting pretty round as each day passes.

 
At 7:32 AM, Blogger barefoot_mistress said...

Ok well, Im ready to teach at YOUR health club...im really good at a lot of those things!

HHNT James!

 
At 8:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for the laugh.

I think there's a Mark Twain quote that goes something like, Never follow what you read in health books, you could die of a missprint. I always think of that when I hear something new I'm supposed to do to save myself from myself. :~)

 
At 8:27 AM, Blogger Carrie said...

Are you reading my diet journal? Because I swear you took this out of it. LOL.

 
At 9:45 AM, Blogger James Goodman said...

Lime, I'm happy to be of service. :D

Ah, I bet you are, Leslie. I can't wait to see you at Thanksgiving.

You're hired, Susie. :D

That's a great quote, Robin and definately words to live by. :D

I'll never tell, Carrie. :D

 
At 12:25 PM, Blogger Sandra Ruttan said...

LOL! That's a classic.

 
At 1:16 PM, Blogger James Goodman said...

Glad you liked it, Sandra.

 
At 3:55 PM, Blogger EA Monroe said...

I have nothing to worry about! What a relief, James! ;-)

 
At 3:59 PM, Blogger James Goodman said...

lol, my worries with not getting to excercise with my injury have faded as well, EA. :D

 
At 2:35 AM, Blogger Bernita said...

I love it!

 
At 5:02 AM, Blogger James Goodman said...

I'm glad, Bernita. :D

 

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