Rants, Raves, & Random Thoughts

Shameless self-promotion of my writing skills or lack there of.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Welcome To Hell Oklahoma

June 10th

Just moved to Oklahoma! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it


June 14th:

Really heating up; got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm

turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped

with western plants today; lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:

The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:

Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body); missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though - got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:

I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at

noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and $hits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th:

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:

Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:

It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug. 8th:

If another wise a$$ cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. D@mn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:

Tried to run some errands after work - wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my a$$ was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and a$$ . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried a$$, and baked cat.

Aug 10th:

The weather report might as well be a d@mn recording . . . Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do $hit for two d@mn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

Doesn't it ever rain in this d@mn state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this d@mn heat.

Aug. 14th:

Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the d@mn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Oklahoma. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??

Will write later to let you know how the trial goes


At 3:29 PM, Blogger lime said...

please forgive me but......

i drove through the texas panhandle and oklahoma on I40, in august, in a chevette with no AC. that was indeed a special brand of unpleasantness.

so tell me about oklahoma in january?

At 3:29 PM, Blogger snavy said...

LMAO!!! My friend moved to Florida last year and sent this to people about a month after she got there!!! It still makes me giggle.

At 7:03 PM, Anonymous Jerry said...

I just drove back from town at dusk and had to roll the windows up because I was getting chilly.

Give me the Okie heat any day. I'll be there on Wednsday.

At 7:42 PM, Blogger James Goodman said...

ouch, Lime. Yeah, it's not so bad here once you get used to it. You see,it's a wet heat... as for January, I believe it feels colder here than it does when I lived in Delaware.

Right on, Snavy, I'm sure this could be applied to several states.

Jerry, you won't be in danger of being chilly on Wednesday. :D

At 2:12 AM, Blogger Southern Writer said...

I have the Colorado version.

August 9th - I'm not going to ask about the hair on your a$$, or why you weren't wearing pants in the car. I don't want to know.

At 4:32 AM, Blogger lime said...

lol@ wet heat. i've heard a plains
winter can be brutal...

At 5:03 AM, Blogger James Goodman said...

lol, Southern, It wasn't pantless, it was just shorts. :D and for the record, this isn't my personal account. I received this email and thought it was too funny not to repost.

Oh Yeah, Lime. There are times I seriously consider moving even further south. Winters can be BRUTAL! I think the Ice storms and the constant wind have something to do with it. :D

At 6:11 AM, Blogger Bernita said...

God, you're sick, James. I mean that in the nicest way possible.
I HATE cold.

At 7:42 AM, Blogger James Goodman said...

lol, thanks, Bernita. Actually, I hate the cold too, well, I hate the plains cold anyway... I practically hibernate until the warmer weather returns.

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