Rants, Raves, & Random Thoughts

Shameless self-promotion of my writing skills or lack there of.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Literary Laughs

How many publishers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to hold down the author.

How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?
"Do we have to get author's approval for this?"
Two, one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb.

How many proofreaders does it take to change a light bulb?
Proofreaders aren't supposed to change light bulbs. They should just query them.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way in and the other to give it a suprising twist at the end.

How many writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to tell a long story about it.

How many literary critics does it take to change a light bulb?
Literary critics don't know how, but rest assured they'll find something wrong with the way you do it.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She answered, "If I tell you, it will defeat the purpose."

The Shortest Books Ever Written

1000 Years of German Humor
Everything men know about women
The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
French War Heroes
Who's who in Puerto Rico
Americans' Guide to Etiquette
Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
Safe Places to Travel in the USA
Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
Contraception by Pope John Paul II
Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
Gun Control for The New Millennium: NRA Handbook

Top 10 Children's Books Not recommended by the National Library Assoc.

10. Clifford the Big Dog is Put to Sleep
9. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories
8. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle
7. Babar becomes a Piano
6. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear
5. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
4. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
3. Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will
2. Let's Draw Betty and Veronica without their clothes on
1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead

6 Comments:

At 8:07 AM, Blogger snavy said...

James, those were awesome!!! LOL!!!

I laughed most at the Children's books - too funny!! Poor Clifford...

 
At 9:38 AM, Blogger James Goodman said...

Thanks, Snavy. The children ones were quite cute. :D

 
At 10:02 AM, Blogger Sandra Ruttan said...

"How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way in and the other to give it a suprising twist at the end. "

Love this James!

 
At 10:05 AM, Blogger Bernita said...

"Barbar became a piano?"
Wicked, James, lovely, wicked.

 
At 10:09 AM, Blogger lime said...

hilarious!! love the lightbulb jokes and the children's books. thanks for the giggle.

 
At 10:26 AM, Blogger James Goodman said...

Sandra, I thought you might get a kick out of that one!

Thanks, Bernita. I ran across these and I just had to share

Any time, Lime. :D

 

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