Rants, Raves, & Random Thoughts

Shameless self-promotion of my writing skills or lack there of.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Geriatric Giggles

G RANDMA'S AGE:
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

LIFE AFTER DEATH :
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!

PALM SUNDAY :
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

CHILDREN'S SERMON :
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!"

SUPPORT A FAMILY :
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."

FIRST TIME USHERS :
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."

PRAYERS :
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?" "NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"

CLIMB THE WALLS :
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT" THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.

THE WATER PISTOL :
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER."

9 Comments:

At 5:26 AM, Blogger lime said...

LOL, fun ones. i like the first one best.:)

from the true files at HOL:
limelette #1 was in 1st grade and it was fire prevention week. local firefighters came to school and one held up a smoke detector. he asked the kids what it means when they hear it go off. darling limelette raised her hand and said, 'dinner's ready!' (we had an EXCEEDINGLY sensitice smoke detector, i'm not that bad a cook, fyi ):D

 
At 5:34 AM, Blogger James Goodman said...

'dinner's ready!'

Lime, my dear, that is a thing of beauty. I'm still smiling.

 
At 8:42 AM, Blogger Leslie said...

Most of these I've ssn before. My church puts out a weekly newsletter called The Spiritual Scoop where there is one of these little funnies on the back at the end. They always make me giggle when I read them.

Here's one from a couple of weeks ago:
MR. SMITH CLIMBS UP MT. SINAI TO GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO TALK TO GOD. LOOKING UP, HE ASKS THE LORD, "GOD, WHAT DOES A MILLION YEARS MEAN TO YOU?" THE LORD REPLIES, "A MINUTE." SMITH ASKS, "AND WHAT DOES A MILLION DOLLARS MEAN TO YOU?" THE LORD REPLIES, "A PENNEY?" SMITH ASKS, "CAN I HAVE A PENNEY?" THE LORD REPLIES, "IN A MINUTE."

 
At 10:12 AM, Blogger James Goodman said...

lol. that's good stuff. :D

 
At 11:01 AM, Blogger Breazy said...

LMAO! I love them all especially the palm sunday one ! Thanks for the laughs.

 
At 11:42 AM, Blogger James Goodman said...

You're quite welcome, Breazy. I'm glad you liked them.

 
At 5:19 PM, Blogger Dana Y. T. Lin said...

HA! I love the last one!

 
At 5:01 AM, Blogger Bernita said...

Thank you, James.
Kids are so much fun.
Got a kick out of the last - Grandmother's revenge.

 
At 5:27 AM, Blogger James Goodman said...

Me too, Dana.

You're welcome, Bernita. I'm glad you enjoyed them.

 

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