Rants, Raves, & Random Thoughts

Shameless self-promotion of my writing skills or lack there of.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Give Me a Little Giggle, Baby!

Books on Tape We Don't Want to Hear
The Communist Manifesto as read by Ronald Reagan
The Torah as read by Louis Farrakhan
The Koran as read by Salman Rushdie
The Anarchist's Cookbook as read by Theodore Kaczinsky
How To win Friends and Influence People as read by Dennis Rodman
Europe on $10 a Day as read by Steve Forbes
The Godfather as read by John Gotti
Uncle Tom's Cabin as read by George Wallace
I'm Ok You're Ok as read by Rush Limbaugh
Moby Dick as read by Jonah
Crime and Punishment as read by OJ Simpson
A Tale of Two Cities as read by Ed Koch and Rudi Giuliani
The Gulag Archipelago as read by Josef Stalin
Feynman's Lectures On Physics as read by Dan Quayle
The Joy of Cooking as read by Hannibal Lecter
The Wealth of Nations as read by Fidel Castro


And now for something educational…

How To Write Good by Frank L. Visco
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?

11 Comments:

At 7:34 AM, Blogger Sandra Ruttan said...

LOL James! Too funny!

 
At 7:41 AM, Blogger lime said...

BWAHAHAHAHA!

 
At 8:18 AM, Blogger For The Trees said...

Ah, FINALLY!! Twenty-three solid and sure rules to write by! These are as necessary as a nudist in a snowstorm! I loved them! Totally! Thanks for this list, I'm printing it out in 22-point type and posting it on the wall right next to my monitor. I'll be a best seller now, fer sure, Dude!! Wowsers! Big checks, small brains!! No sweat! Far OUT!

Big J, you KNOW how to start my day off right!

 
At 9:35 AM, Blogger James Goodman said...

I'm glad you all enjoyed them. :D

 
At 12:15 PM, Blogger Bernita said...

A list of all my sins.
Really cute, James.

 
At 4:11 PM, Blogger James Goodman said...

lol, Bernita.

 
At 7:52 PM, Blogger Dana Y. T. Lin said...

Welcome back - how was your vacation?

 
At 8:56 PM, Anonymous Jerry said...

Goody,
Love the educational ones. Some of them took me a minute or two. Funny stuff!

 
At 4:45 AM, Blogger James Goodman said...

It was Grrr-reat, Dana!

Thanks, Jerry. I'm glad you likey.

 
At 10:55 PM, Anonymous snavy said...

LOL at the first section.

But, LMFAO at the second - I guess that's the English major's sense of humor. Plus, I posted something like that in the first month of my blog.

 
At 4:52 AM, Blogger James Goodman said...

That must have been before I starting lurking around your place. :D

 

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