Rants, Raves, & Random Thoughts

Shameless self-promotion of my writing skills or lack there of.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Hollywood Rules

I was going to post another review today, but my brain is addled by the plague that has wreaked havoc on my body for the last 72 hours or so. So, here is a laugh or two instead.

1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.

4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.

8. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.

14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.


At 10:12 AM, Blogger Indigo said...

LMAO...... that seriously cracked me up!!

.....and I so KNEW my twin had to evil, this confirms it !!

At 3:11 PM, Blogger lime said...

some additional rules.....
1. bad guys with guns have all graduated from the ray charles school of marksmanship whereas good guys can hit someone between the eyes even if shooting while hanging out the window of a car that is weaving back and forth and travelling at a high velocity.

2. grocery bags generally contain celery too.

and i have actually seen #9 in real life, hehehehe

fun list, james!

At 4:07 PM, Blogger James Goodman said...

I wonder if my twin was born good? :D

Nice additions, Lime. and I've been the weeny from 9 in real life. adrenaline seems to keep the pain from setting in until the dust (and blood and shattered bones) settles.

At 4:11 PM, Blogger Breazy said...

LMAO! I liked #13 !

At 5:37 PM, Blogger Dana Y. T. Lin said...

Oh my gosh! I can't breathe, I'm laughing so hard.

At 2:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cool blog, interesting information... Keep it UP » »


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