Rants, Raves, & Random Thoughts

Shameless self-promotion of my writing skills or lack there of.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Smile Already...

Question: What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
Answer: Sandy Claws.

Question: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Answer: Frostbite.

Question: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Answer: Ribbon hood.

Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Answer: Claustrophobic.

Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Answer: Snowflakes.

Question: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?
Answer: She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!

Question: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
Answer: It was wound up already.

Question: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
Answer: Forty feet of track - all straight!

I wanna tell you what kind of luck I've got. If this year I cornered the mistletoe market, they'd postpone Christmas.

Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.

Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.

Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I'm gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.

Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts...groping their way through the smog singing: "It came upon a midnight clear."

Every Christmas pageant throughout the world has a scene showing Joseph leading Mary into Bethlehem on a donkey. Do you realize what would happen if the Republicans asked for equal time?

Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas pageant? Two kids dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to the inn in Bethlehem. On the other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd's outfit is on a mobile/ cellular phone, calling for reservations.

Sometimes I get the feelin that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.

I bought my friend some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift-wrap counter and told them to wrap it, but in different paper, so he'd know when to stop unwrapping.

When I was young we were poor. We didn't have a Christmas tree, we had a Christmas stump.

When I was a kid our Christmases were very poor. We couldn't afford tinsel. We had to wait for grandpa to sneeze.

Christmas is a time when people get emotional over family ties, particularly if they have to wear them.

I remember my dad was chopping in a toy store. He said, "That's a terrific train set. I'll buy it."
The Clerk said, "Great, I'm sure your son will love it."
Dad said, "Maybe you're right. I'll take two."

They say that Santa comes but once a year. I can't understand that, considering all the bedrooms he visits.

Q: What do you get if you cross Raquel Welch and Santa Claus?
A: A thank you card from Santa.

Q: Why does Santa wear pink underwear?
A: He's a man. He did all his laundry in the one load.

It was so cold on Christmas Eve at the North Pole that Santa had to jump-start three of his reindeer.

Q: What do you call Santa's Helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.

5 Comments:

At 6:34 AM, Blogger snavy said...

LMAO!!! Those are great!!!

Have a wonderful holiday!!

Merry Christmas to the whole Goody family!!

 
At 7:15 AM, Blogger lime said...

fabulous! frostbite, grandpa sneezing, santa coming once a year, pink underwear. LOVEd 'em!

the amish memory! too funny! thanks!

very best wishes this christmas to all the goody clan!

 
At 9:21 AM, Blogger bsoholic said...

LOL! Frostbite was my fav.

Have a Merry Christmas Goody!

 
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