Rants, Raves, & Random Thoughts

Shameless self-promotion of my writing skills or lack there of.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Groaners Galore

A MAN WAS DRIVING DOWN A COUNTRY ROAD WHEN HE
NOTICED A FARMER STANDING IN A LARGE FIELD...THE
FARMER WASN'T DOING ANYTHING..HE WAS JUST
STANDING THERE..CURIOUS, THE MAN STOPPED HIS
CAR AND TOOK THE WALK OVER TO THE FARMER
AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE WAS DOING..THE FARMER
REPLIED "I'M TRYING TO WIN A NOBEL PRIZE" "HOW
DO YOU EXPECT TO DO THAT" THE MAN ASKED..THE
FARMER REPLIED "I HEARD THEY ONLY GIVE IT TO
PEOPLE WHO ARE OUT STANDING IN THEIR FIELD"

A WOMAN RUNS INTO THE VETERINARIAN WITH
HER DOG IN HER ARMS CRYING "HELP..I THINK MY
DOG IS SICK"...THE VET TAKES THE DOG LOOKS
AT IT..TOUCHES IT AND SAYS "MA,AM YOUR DOG IS
DEAD" THE WOMAN LOOKS BACK AND SAYS "HE
CAN'T BE" THE DOCTOR BRINGS THE DOG TO THE
TABLE AND CHECKS THE DOG OUT AGAIN "I'M
SORRY MA'AM" HE SAY'S...THE WOMAN..NOT
GIVING IN SAYS "NO THERE'S GOT TO BE
SOMETHING THAT YOU CAN DO...SO THE DOCTOR
TELLS HER TO WAIT..LEAVES..AND COMES BACK WITH
A LARGE FURRY CAT AND WAVES IT OVER THE DOG..
WITH THIS THE WOMAN IS FINALLY CONVINCED, AND
THE DOCTOR GIVES HER THE BILL....."WHAT!! $950.00
HOW CAN THIS BE"..THE DOCTOR REPLIED ITS $50.00
FOR THE CHECK UP...AND $900.00 FOR THE CAT SCAN.

A WOMAN FRANTICALLY CALLS THE LOCAL
FIRE DEPARTMENT TO REPORT A FIRE IN
THE NEIGHBORHOOD..THE DISPATCHER
ASKS THE WOMAN "WELL..HOW DO WE GET
THERE"..CONFUSED..THE WOMAN REPLIED
"DON'T YOU STILL HAVE THOSE BIG RED TRUCKS"

A FROG HOPPED INTO A BANK, WENT TO THE TELLER WINDOW
AND WAS GREETED BY PATTY BLACK..THE FROG ASKED PATTY
FOR A SIZABLE LOAN, TO FIX UP HIS PAD..WHEN ASKED FOR
COLLATERAL THE FROG PRODUCED A SMALL TRINKET. PATTY
LOOKED AT THE TRINKET AND SAID I'LL HAVE TO CLEAR THIS
WITH THE BANK PRESIDENT...WHEN THE PRESIDENT SAW THE
TRINKET.. HE SAID "IT'S A KNICK KNACK PATTY BLACK, GIVE THE
FROG A LOAN"

A MAN WAS DRIVING DOWN A COUNTRY ROAD WHEN
SOMETHING WENT RUNNING PAST HIM....BEING CURIOUS
HE SPED UP TO SEE WHAT IT WAS...THE THING QUICKLY
TURNED DOWN A FARMERS DRIVEWAY..SO THE MAN
FOLLOWED IT....UNABLE TO CATCH UP THE MAN STOPPED
TO ASK THE FARMER IF HE KNEW WHAT IT WAS...THE FARMER
REPLIED "YUP..THAT WAS ONE OF MY CHICKENS" HE CONTINUED
"YOU SEE, MY WIFE, SON, AND I ALL LIKE DRUMSTICKS THE BEST,
SO I BRED A THREE LEGGED CHICKEN"
THE MAN WAS AMAZED AND ASKED "WELL HOW DO THEY TASTE"
THE FARMER REPLIED " I DON'T KNOW... I'VE NEVER CAUGHT ONE"

A MAN WAS SPPEDING DOWN THE HIGHWAY ..WHEN HE
NOTICED A COP WITH HIS LIGHTS AND SIREN GOING BEHIND
HIM...HE THOUGHT TO HIMSELF "I CAN OUTRUN THIS GUY"
SO HE SPEEDS UP..70MPH..80MPH..90MPH..WITH THE COP
STILL RIGHT BEHIND HIM HE GAVE UP AND PULLED OVER
THE COP CAME UP TO HIS CAR AND SAID "LISTEN MISTER
I'VE HAD A REALLY LOUSY DAY, IF YOU GIVE ME A GOOD
EXCUSE FOR YOUR SPEEDING I'LL LET YOU GO" TO THIS
THE MAN REPLIED "THREE WEEKS AGO MY WIFE RAN
OFF WITH A POLICE MAN, AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE
HIM, TRYING TO GIVE HER BACK"..

A PAINTER WAS PAINTING THE STEEPLE ON A
VERY TALL CHURCH..WHEN HE GOT ABOUT HALF
WAY UP HE REALIZED HE WASN'T GOING TO HAVE
ENOUGH PAINT TO FINISH THE JOB...FIGURING
THAT HE WAS SO HIGH UP HE THINNED DOWN THE
PAINT AND CONTINUED...ALMOST AT THE TOP
AND NEARLY OUT OF PAINT HE THINNED THE PAINT
AGAIN..AND FINISHED THE JOB...DECIDING IT WAS
TIME FOR A BREAK HE CLIMBED DOWN INTO THE
BELL TOWER FOR LUNCH....ALL OF A SUDDEN A
LARGE BLACK CLOUD APPEARED OVER THE STEEPLE
AND A LOUD DEEP VOICE WAS HEARD
"REPAINT..REPAINT..STOP THINNING"

A GRASSHOPPER WALKS INTO A BAR AND SITS
DOWN..THE BARTENDER LOOKS AT HIM AND
SAYS "HEY WE HAVE A DRINK NAMED AFTER YOU
THE GRASSHOPPER REPLIED "YOU HAVE A DRINK
NAMED STEVE?"

A NEW TEACHER IS TRYING TO MAKE USE OF HER PSYCHOLOGY COURSES
SHE STARTS HER CLASS BY SAYING "EVERYONE WHO THINKS THEY'RE
STUPID, STAND UP"...AFTER A FEW SECONDS, LITTLE JOHNY
STOOD UP. "DO YOU THINK YOU'RE STUPID JOHNNY".
"NO MA'AM" HE SAY'S "BUT I HATE TO SEE YOU STANDING
THERE ALL BY YOURSELF"

A DOG RAN INTO A BUTCHER SHOP, AND GRABBED
A ROAST OFF THE COUNTER,FORTUNATELY THE BUTCHER
RECOGNIZED THE DOG AS BEING HIS NEIGHBOR,THE LAWYERS DOG..
VERY UPSET ATTHE INCIDENT, THE BUTCHER CALLED THE
LAWYER AND ASKED "IF YOUR DOG RAN INTO MY SHOP AND STOLE
SOME MEAT, WOULD YOU BE RESPONSIBLE.?
"OF COURSE"THE LAWYER REPLIED "HOW MUCH
WAS THE MEAT?" "$7.98" A FEW DAYS LATER THE
BUTCHER RECEIVED A CHECK FOR $7.98..ATTACHED
TO IT WAS AN INVOICE THAT READ...LEGAL
CONSULTATION SERVICE..$150.00

ATTENDING A WEDDING FOR THE FIRST TIME,
A LITTLE GIRL WHISPERED TO HER MOTHER.
"WHY IS THE BRIDE DRESSED IN WHITE?"
"BECAUSE WHITE IS THE COLOR OF HAPPINESS"
HER MOTHER EXPLAINED
THE CHILD THOUGHT ABOUT THIS FOR A MOMENT
AND ASKED "THEN WHY IS THE GROOM
DRESSED IN BLACK"

And with that the groaners are out of my system. Have a nice day!

2 Comments:

At 4:48 PM, Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Ha ha. Those are good. Currently telling them.
Thanks.

 
At 4:53 PM, Blogger James Goodman said...

Thanks, and by all means spread the wealth. Check back from time to time as I am notorious for posting absolutely horrible jokes.

 

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